I’ve come to terms with the volatility of a human being. Mercurial. Fragile. Ready to combust, mere moment’s notice. You hold so many emotions inside of you, you’re constantly hunting for the trigger, daring another to provoke you, open that door, authorize you to blast into smithereens. And after you’re done and you’ve detracted a few inches, you realize you can never undo the explosion. Un-see the battle you just lost, another time around. Why? But why? What is it that’s plaguing you? Where is it that you’re coming from? That allows you to bag all your fears, your frustration, till it bursts at the seam and you’re fine with demolishing a building in that process.
That building you built, carefully, thoughtfully, creatively, calculatedly. That building that was yours to shape, yours to hone, yours to take pride in. Your building. Your strength. Your confidence. Your beliefs. Your choices, the right ones. Your wins. Your own. You bought a hammer from the local insecurity store and you hacked that building, bit by bit. Until. You turned an arson and razed it to the ground. Job well done. Satisfaction. Relief. Moment’s notice to momentarily.
Did it happen on Tuesday? Did you start building another one on Wednesday morning, 6? Did you keep building, investing happiness into that establishment, till Friday evening 8:32? When you blew up at your next door neighbor, your lover, your dog? You told them to leave you and let you be? You told them to flee? ‘cause you can no longer spend a second holding yourself together enough to create an impression upon them? Who cares about an impression? Who wants them anyway? Why does anyone need anyone? You’re fine on your own. You can throw all of them out of your building. You can carry on. Where’s that bottle of fire? Of what use is a dream? Throw. Remove. Burn. Is that what you tell yourself?
This explosion that I talk of, it’s as prevalent as an epidemic. It’s spreading. It’s making its presence known. And no one’s ready just yet to observe the warning signs. No one’s observant of the pattern that a human being is falling into. A new-age pattern, this. Very reliant on the kind of persons you associate with, the kind of stories you make, the kind of stories you’re supposed to make.
Did you score someone today? Did you retain your calm at your workplace? Did you pick the right clothes, not right enough, for weird is right, so just the right amounts to impress upon everyone you’re exotic, a bird of paradise? Did you? Today? Did you? But will you stick to that tomorrow? Oh no no. We need new people, we need new stories. I’ll tell you what you can do. They’ll leave you. Everyone leaves you. Nobody cares. Nobody’s there. Nobody’s anybody. I’ll tell you what you can do. You can lose it. You can let go. You can throw them out, before they throw you out. Ha! 1-you. 0-world. You can destroy someone before they destroy you. You can get that job you don’t deserve before the other undeserving people get to it. You can do this. You can. Shiver. Tremble. You can do this. You can.
Go on. Practice. Blow. Un-believe. Un-depend. Un-rely. Un-build. Un-trust.
Those people you just laughed with? They are so yesterday. They’ll leave you. They will. That work you got done before the deadline? They’ll criticize you, take you down bit-by-bit, make fun, they will. That outfit you’ve got on? It’s an eyesore, you’re too thin, you’re too bony, you’re too fat, you’re too contour-deprived, nothing. Nothing. Nothing. That dish you made, that turn you took, that song you hummed, that packet of chips you bought, nothing, nothing, nothing. Fool. Unqualified. Usual. Normal. Average. Boring. Blow. Explode. Keep yourself safe. Blow. Explode. Keep yourself safe.
Or. Don’t. I will embrace you. Don’t. I will be there. Don’t. I will listen. Don’t. I will laugh, I will sympathize, I will explain, I will point out, I will hold you together, I will. Don’t.